I've had a complicated life. I was...to put it lightly, not popular in school. To put it bluntly, I was one of the least popular people in school and bullied often, but because of my upbringing, I tried my best to still be kind to everyone and be their friend. I didn't realize until my thirties and an amazing friend forced me to a therapist that I have social anxiety despite being a HUGE people person and that it was partly due to the childhood bullying.
My other big complicated thing that has caused alllll sorts of feelings around abandonment is my relationship, or lack thereof, with my father from the time I was a small child.
Stay with me, these two things are going somewhere.
When it came out that I had terminal cancer, my friends and family, my husband's friends and family, and even complete strangers, SPRANG into action to support me in every single way imaginable.
The amount of support we've received as a family has been humbling, brought us to tears, made us feel loved, cared for, overwhelmed and for me...also incredibly uncomfortable.
I have spent my life not asking for help, trying to prove to...I'm not sure who, that I can overcome every single obstacle that was set in my path.
Living WAY below the poverty line? Done with that life. Living with undiagnosed epilepsy? Not anymore. Living with uncontrolled seizures and being told I would never drive, work a normal job or have a family? HAH! Look at my amazing life naysayers.
Then cancer happened. I still didn't want to ask for help. In fact, I didn't. But I have this little friend group and Mike's family that are very protective of us and fiercely adamant and they forced the help on me and Mike.
So here we are with a GIANT Facebook group of emotional support (which blows me away, how are there that many people?!), a FreeFunder, a Meal Train, LuLaRoe fundraisers, Keller Williams Madison doing amazing things and me feeling.......grateful, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable. So very uncomfortable.
And I couldn't figure out why I felt so uncomfortable. I worry every day about being a financial burden to Mike and the boys if I don't beat this (After all, I have no life insurance).
I'm so incredibly thankful for every single person who has been there for us in every single way, but that uncomfortable feeling, it just won't go away.....and then....I realized something during a Facebook live with my dear friend Catelyn who organized the first of apparently several LuLaRoe fundraisers (I don't know what's going on, things get planned behind my back and I hear about it later).
I don't feel worthy. Surely there are other people out there that need this support more than me. I realize logically I've put good out in the world and therefore deserve good back, however my brain likes to tell me otherwise, hence that feeling of discomfort. Typing it, reading it as I type it, it sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Yet here I am finally figuring it out and getting you all about it
I don't really know how to end this blog after that, except to say that I can't even begin to articulate just how much I appreciate all the love and support our family is being shown. I promise to work every day for the rest of my life after I beat this cancer to pay it forward and be the person you see me as.