I've been handling everything by having an amazing support system, but also by maintaining a realistic optimism outlook on everything which means I've been planning on reaching NED while simultaneously planning on dying.
It's hard for my people like my husband or my mom to understand me planning on dying. To them, especially my mom, they think I'm giving up honestly I haven't. It's more of.....a contingency plan. I want to make sure that if things don't go as we hope, I have major life event cards written for the boys, for example, because chances are by the time we find out that things aren't going well, I'll be too ill to take care of such things and I want my babies to know how loved they are.
But, I digress, that's not what this particular blog entry is about. This is about the absolute darkest days of this journey that I have had. Shortly after my surgery, Mike, Arwyn and Tristen were all directly exposed to Covid and had to isolate away from me as I was very immunocompromised. Within a few days of exposure, Arwyn tested positive so Tristen was then isolated from Mike and Arwyn. Unsurprisingly, Mike contracted Covid as well while Tristen, thankfully did not, but remained isolated from me to be safe.
For two weeks I was isolated from all three of my boys (remember this was shortly after a week long hospitalization). Though logically I knew it was necessary, emotionally, I was wrecked.
I lost every ounce of optimism I had, and quickly spiraled down a hole of depression and VERY dark thoughts I have never been near. I spent more time sleeping than I had been, cried A LOT and felt like I was losing myself.
I had so many amazing people checking in on me, and talked to my family daily, but for some reason, I couldn't emotionally handle being physically separated from them. I still don't know what triggered such a huge emotional response, but the absolute JOY I felt when Tristen came home, followed by Mike and Arwyn was like an albatross had been lifted off my chest.
I'm telling this story because people are always telling me how strong I am, and the reality is, I'm not always "so strong." I write this blog with updates and sometimes they don't convey all the raw feelings and emotions that come along with the health updates. I'm hoping that my journey can perhaps help someone else who is going through something similar.
The one thing I regret about those two weeks, is not calling my therapist. Remember, no matter what to take care of your mental health. That means that sometimes you need to talk to a mental healthcare professional. Your body can't get healthy if your brain isn't healthy.
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